Birthday Week....

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
So this week is my birthday week...I have always been a fan of my birthday just because I see it as a social gathering and a fun time to celebrate. I have lived on this earth for 28 years and as my mother keeps reminding me, "Look at what you have done in those 28 years."  Yes I have a accomplished a lot, and I am very proud of these things. Yet I think and I think other people view as though something is missing. Lately I have been reminded by my students, about the fact that I am not married. Some have even asked me if I would marry them...(that student is a little odd and I graciously declined) however, I also was reminded by the fact that I am still very hesitant about this idea.  I know I want to be in love and share my life with someone who balances me and can handle my ups, downs, ins, outs etc.  Yet I am haunted by the "just know" factor. I really don't think I believe in it.  Here is that thing...I have had great men in my life and a few of them had hoped that the "just know" feeling would happen...it didn't.  Currently I am in a long distance relationship, which is all well and good, but at the same time does the distance take away the "just know" feeling? Do I have to move to feel it? What if I do and it doesn't work out...it seems like to many risks and I am not sure I have the ability to take them. 

 I know that first part seems to be a bit of a "Carrie Bradshaw" moment, but we need some of those sometimes. Since my mind has been racing over thoughts like this an inner monologue seemed to fit the bill why not add a side quotations just to really get the point across.  :)

Holy Crap it is summer....

Things are finally slowing down and I am realizing that I will actually be able to start enjoying my summer soon.  Currently I am working 4ish jobs : teaching summer school, Bath and Body Works, managing and running the Theater, and working on curriculum for next year! It seems crazy I know, but I have debt...so you do what you have to do. :)

I am not trying to complain I am just realizing that time is becoming a battle for me and I love it. I work better being pushed and I find that I get more from myself when I am being challenged and having to find balance.  Currently it isn't the finding time I am struggling with, it's the finding balance.

At this point in time, I am balancing work, play, classes, and family.  If I was to really geek out I could pie chart where my time is going but I won't. Most of my time is going to the jobs and the play. Both are truly enjoyable, however I am neglecting other things too. How do you keep the balance?

Random thoughts....

I realize that this blog is a bit sporadic, and there is no general theme but more of the randomness that is my life. Certain days different things inspire me, be that the amazing person I was dating, my family, a current issue, my students, or whatever else floats my boat. Lately, I have lost some of that inspiration and myself. As I continue to age gracefully I am forced to learn more things about myself and the reasons' I do what I do, or react the way I react. These realizations have brought me to the conclusion that I am afraid of a lot of things. I am not the creeper who can’t go outside or is afraid of the sun, I am fearful of deeper things. I am afraid to open myself up to love, I am afraid to be okay with just existing, I am afraid of disappointing people be that my family or my friends, I am afraid of letting people down because I can't complete that task or tasks that have given me.


I have been trying to gain some clarity as to why I am so fearful of things, and currently I can't. So I am stuck in these random thoughts, floating around my head, and being unable to decipher through the mess that is in my brain. This has prompted me to become more of a hermit, start dating my DVR, and continue to blog about randomness.

...Thank you Bill Maher!

NEW RULE: LET'S NOT FIRE TEACHERS WHEN STUDENTS DON'T LEARN --- LETS FIRE PARENTS

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/new-rule-dont-fire-the-te_b_497554.html

Chivalry is still alive...in case you didn't know!

When I taught British Literature, one of my favorite units to teach was Canterbury Tale's, partly because I enjoyed the tales, but also because I exposed students to the word "Chivalry". I loved asking the students to think about what it meant to be chivalrous, and how it is more the opening doors and not speaking ill of each other, it was a real code to live by.


This code seems to have gone by the wayside for some people, myself included. I hear myself weekly say to my students' "kindness" when they speak poorly of someone or something. I see them going out of their way to create a problems for another student, and so few of them remember what it takes to "pay it forward" or to be aware of the people around you and help more people than just themselves. For the majority of the younger generation this code does not exist in their life or in their vocabulary.

But being a Generation Y, I have regained some appreciation for this code of conduct. Pretty much because I am dating one of the most chivalrous people I have ever encountered. I often forget that he is going open the door for me, help me get out of the car, carry things for me or give me compliments galore, and speak so highly of me and my accomplishments that my head may start to explode. I really didn't know that people still do nice things for people, practically every day. I know my days of cynicism and independence may have dampened my view of this great code, but who doesn’t appreciate someone giving gifts not for a special occasion or because they need to say "I'm sorry" but to make a girl feel like a lady.

I honestly think and feel that if more people practiced chivalry in their everyday life, the ideas that we know as "kindness" and "paying it forward" would be so surprising but could morph into becoming an actual expectation of all generations. So often people see the Baby Boomers giving the X's and Y's hints of what a man should do when it comes to dating a woman, but unfortunately these idea's become fodder for scrutiny and shock. Chivalry is a concept that goes beyond just dating but can filter in to being a better student, teacher, principal, business-person, family member etc. LONG LIVE CHIVLARY!

Please remove whatever it is that is making people crabby....

I spent the last weekend in Madison, Wisconsin and aside from a sickly ride home.it was fantastic. I honestly miss a bigger city and the ability to be a free thinking individual without receiving backlash from people. Granted there is not a place you can go that doesn't receive backlash but lately it seems to be coming on full force. I am not sure why or how, but I want to chalk it up to the weather.

I understand that majority of the people in this town are more conservative then I am, I also understand that religion is very important to almost everybody, but why is a difference in opinion such a bad thing? Or if you stray off their path you are considered a bad person, poor role model, or you are jeopardizing your job. I was raised in a Catholic/Christian home and I am very thankful for that. But the fact is that I am not going to inflict my views on anybody else, nor is it my place to judge you for yours. I promise you that majority of people who truly know a person, know that they are good, sincere, and wouldn't do harm to anyone, but really, because you are afraid of free thinking individuals you believe that you have a right to judge them....I think not. Or if something is put on display that makes you uncomfortable you have a right write those people a letter and judge away...Last time I checked the only people who are free to pass judgment on other people, are the ones in a black Robe, sitting on a stand, with a Law degree and the word Judge in front of their name.

I personally feel that if you can't handle the things that go on in public, I am going to assume that you don't watch TV, or have much of a personality. But thanks for opinions anyway, I do respect them, just may not agree with them!

Valentine's Day...

I used to refer to February 14 as "Single Awareness Day" and I have never been a huge fan. I have celebrated it in the past and they were cute and innocent but nothing was as enjoyable as my most recent Sunday. I am in a relationship (yes, we are no longer just dating) with someone who is very sweet, romantic and pretty much wants to make any bad thing that happened in my past relationships never happen again. Over the course of three days he did just that.

After a stressful week of parent teacher conferences, finishing a show, and trying to get things prepared for the rest of the month I was really looking forward to a weekend of relaxation. I got just that. I spent my day off which was Friday, in the big city had some delicious food, fun times and great shopping with my girlfriends. We went to "Chicago" the Musical and continued to laugh and be silly into the next day. I came back from the big city to spend time with the man and his son. Both of these men brought a huge smile to my face and made me laugh as we watched "Miss Spider" and cut out hearts for the Valentine Tree (Taking down the Christmas tree at his house hasn't happened yet so we morphed it into a Super Bowl Tree and a Valentine Tree.) As I was hanging out with the boys, his son wanted to make sure I opened a present, so present #2 Mood Rings. Totally random and totally us. We were having some silly conversation about them and how the town we lived in needed a store that sold random things It was cute and thoughtful and perfect. But a memorable part for me was when his son wanted to wear mine the rest of the day. He is 2, so it kept falling of his fingers... too cute. The day ended with pizza and family bonding over basketball. (Present #1 was Doggie Stairs, my bed is big, my dog is little and I am yelled/barked at for being on the bed and Bradshaw is too little to get up there....I tweeted about it, he saw it, bought and put together the stairs)

Okay, so if you are still reading this and aren't ready to vomit there was the actual day...although he had made plans to go see a movie that refuses to come to our town, the weather didn't allow it. So instead we hung out, and answered questions from the "IF" book. For example, "If you could pick to musicians to make a duet, who would they be and why?" silly things like that...it was followed by GLEE, (present #3 was a pink t-shirt that said "Gleek:" on it... Excited!!!) Leftovers for lunch and the Matinee of "Valentine's Day" the movie. Mind you...my favorite’s scene from the previews was when Jennifer Garner was demolishing the heart piñata...I assumed that was going to be me...obviously things have changed. After the movie, a walk with Starbucks through Target and he cooked me a homemade meal...I could not be happier.

This blog is not intended to be like I am rubbing things in, and no matter what, I think Valentine's Day is a little Hallmark created...but the happiness that I felt and the coincided with this year was indescribable and retelling it still brings a smile to my face.

Lesson Learned: You may not always love February 14th but someday you will find that February 14 is a day to just open yourself up to love...

So you came to check out my guns....

 

Check out his guns, this is my nephew one of the TOP 10 things that make me happy and one of the cutest babies I have ever held. Check out more cuteness at my sister's Blog http://roachkid.com/

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Chaotic...and not the Britney kind.

So this has been a very crazy 2 weeks, here is why...

1. House things: Majority of the main floor of my house is finished and painted, just working on the decorating. My new heater was installed. Trying to decided if I am going to move up the kitchen update. My microwave went out and I now have to actually cook things, not just reheat it.

2. School things: I have three rehearsals left until my third show this school year. My job is constantly expanding to include running our theater beyond just our school activities. Followed by state assessments, organizing activities for my drama kids to participate in, planning the final show, and the basic everyday teacher activities.

3. Personal things: I have allowed myself to be in a relationship, like a real adult relationship. I have also watched my friends get out of her not so adult relationship, or question their current relationships and I have the feeling that I am not being a good friend and /or girlfriend at the moment. My dog thinks that since he is alone all day, he should be awake all night. So to top it all off, I am becoming addicted to coffee and Red Bull.

I know in the big picture, these are minor things and know this, I am not complaining but really venting/processing the chaos that is becoming my life. I am really hopping I am not "shafting" my friends, family or the new relationship, but the "work/life balance idea" is something I am not sure I am very good at. I think part of this is my need to be social, and the fact that I have, in the past, put my things on hold for people and later resented them for that. Plus, I (thinking Aerosmith) don't want to miss a thing. I am willing to take responsibility in the fact that I brought the chaos on myself, but now I am need of some organizational skills to calm the chaos yet still please those who are important to me, and still maintain my sanity and happiness. Perplexing....

Dating Netflix...

I think I am breaking up with Netflix...

Allow me some explanation, since October I have been dating my TV. After I moved into my house I made the relationship more serious by committing to Netflix. I loved the movies that would arrive and couldn't wait to watch them. I found enjoyment watching Paper Heart, (500) Days of Summer, All About Steve, etc. but lately my relationship with Netflix has dwindled. Due to the fact that my relationship with a real person has developed. Although I know my TV and my DVD player are missing our evenings together, the sweet flower and card I received from the real person is something they can't give me. This person is more romantic than any movie I have watched lately, he has surprised me with the all of the commonality, intellectual conversations, and the kind, meaningful words. I do declare...I am smitten with this person, and I like it. So I am sorry Netflix, you will be put on hold for a while...we may need to put our relationship on the back burner. Someone else has filled you shoes, I hope we can still be friends.

Thinking out of the box

I take great joy in my job. I think teaching/facilitating high school kids is rewarding and life changing. It is with in my job that I have found a truly happy person, this being said, it becomes frustrating when you lack the ability to teach certain life skills such as critical thinking and common sense. I am searching for many different ways to facilitate in the expansion of the brain with regard to critical thinking and making connections.
As I reflect on my educational experience in high school, I was that kid the made the random connections that was different then what others were saying and/or thinking. I remember having to practice thinking "outside of the box" and was actually in a competition for that idea. It is my personal and professional opinion that to think "outside the box" is a lost art form. I remember my science teacher saying "I am not your mother and you are not a baby, I will not spoon feed you the answers." as students, we had to figure it out. Lately, my observations has been that many students can't figure things out on their own. Which makes me question, what have we done to our students? Are they too afraid to say the wrong answer? Are they so fried from the Internet, video games, YouTube, etc that we can't get them to think creatively? I admit that some of my teaching strategies lean to the boring side, I have yawned through them too, but there are some that require you JUST TO THINK, and some students can't/won't/don't know how to do that. For example, I could give a list of directions for students to follow, step by step instructions, and with out a doubt, I will have 5 hands, after I just explained the instructions and they have the step by step list in front of them, "So what are we supposed to do?" It sincerely is becoming a growing concern, because being the type of person I am I reflect on, what words were to confusing? How did they not get that? What did I do wrong? And unfortunately those questions do not seem to have a good answer. I look at some of the other teachers in this school and even the one I teach with, he seems to have no problem getting the students to understand what is expected of them. Granted, I think it could be due to subject matter, and the "fluff" that coincides with literature and writing, and maybe (please don't take offense to this) its also because he is a male, and their minds can simplify things more then a females. (Men are like waffles think in boxes, Women are like Spaghetti, random thoughts all mixed together.) Who knows? But I am not defeated, I will continue my quest for teaching the "out of the box" skills in hopes that maybe those 5 students hands who raise after hearing directions will be reduced to 3.

Blogger-Stalk

I started this blog along with my Creative Writing students in 2009, it has been an entire year of this blog and I am desperate need of making updates to it. However, that is not the point of this, I wanted to let you all know that I now have new followers that are all a part of my second Creative Writing class. As one of the girls said today, "So we can 'Blogger-stalk' you?" I replied with, "I hope you do!" So if you are in the mood to "Blogger-Stalk" and are not a registered sex offender, feel free to follow my followers and be enlightened by the youth of the nation, or at least our town!

The New Year..Same me.

So I am 10 days into the new year and not really feeling the newness. The extra days off due to the weather was nice, but the boredom that filled parts of my days..not so nice. There have been high's and medium's (not ghosts.. well maybe.. my house is kind of old) thus far, but my thoughts have been focused on three things:

1. How am I going to make all of the things in my house work?

2. Will owning a house, being independent and successful hinder and/or limit my options for a date? (I do live in a small town, the market for men is already limited)

3. When will the great ideas I have in my head, become my reality?

I know it seems a bit random, but since I swore that I would not go on a date until 2010 after the breakup, and wanted to give myself proper time to mourn the relationship and become self assured that what I chose to do was the best decision. I have found myself confident, happy and satisfied, so with that I felt like moving on in the dating world would be the next step. I am quickly reminded how much I don't like it. I watch awkwardness all day, I teach high school kids...hello screams awkward, so why would I want to experience the awkwardness again. I feel like I am pretty well known because of the size of the town and the fact that I really can't go anywhere with out someone knowing who I am. That point aside, I am realizing I have a small issue with the unknown. When I say unknown I am not talking Heaven or Hell but rather where are these guys coming from, why are you so nice, but haven't asked me out yet, or what are your expectations for me in this situation?? It is so confusing and awkward. I never thought at my age I would go back to the confusion, awkward, unknown situations.

It are those feelings that are haunting my second and third question, and are really becoming my 2010 focus, some day it will be New Year..New Me.